The Underwear Dilemma

A comedian with Crohn’s once said that it was frivolous to invest in any underwear besides black and brown, for camouflage sake. But if you ask me, once your underwear (regardless of color) have been made black or brown from an accident, they belong in the garbage.

This is a perfectly reasonable argument - besides, who wants to relive the memory of an accident by wearing the same pair or panties? Not I, and so I have tossed many pairs in my life, but in particular this summer.

I had annoyingly dwindled my supply down to a few pairs, and would only wear ones that I hated so that I wouldn’t destroy the ones that I liked. It seems silly, and perhaps bizarre, to become so attached or defensive of an underwear collection, but when it’s the literal first line of defense between me and my disease, it gets personal. For my birthday, my parents got me some underwear - black ones, I might add.

And when I restocked my supply post-surgery, I thought that would be that, mission accomplished. How wrong I was. I didn’t think it was still possible to ruin underwear when I could physically no longer go to the bathroom ‘normally’, oh, but it is.

Sometimes when I haven’t sealed the adhesive of the ostomy bag quite correctly, leaks find a way to ruin my pretty new underwear. Perhaps the worst ‘surprise’ of a leak is in the middle of the night, when I can feel the dampness, and I jump from the bed, suddenly fully awake. Now the underwear is ruined at the hem, and usually it permeates straight through to my pajama bottoms. But there is a miracle in all of this - my sheets have not once gotten dirty (hopefully this won’t serve as a jinx).

And therefore, in an attempt to diminish the embarrassment of the whole situation, I toss the dirty underwear. I carry an extra pair on me at all times, you can’t be too prepared, scout’s honor.

My best underwear advice? Love your underwear, buy the colors and patterns you want, and here’s hoping to fast bathroom access when you need it!!

Jennie