Saturday, October 15, 2011

Try Again

Discharge attempt #2: cross your fingers, this could be a bumpy ride.

My grand total of a month in the hospital, with my less-than-a-week break discharge, on the 16th floor overlooking the Boston skyline has finally come to an end. Hopefully a permanent end, and not just a quick escape before I head back again. I have spent more time in the hospital than I have in classes. I have one class that’s only once a week that I have only been to once, my friend in the class texted and was like, “Are you still in this class?”

Thank goodness that I had fought to get and keep the PICC line and had insisted they save a line for TPN. A few nights ago when things were desperate and annoying and confusing, I felt like school was a hundred miles away and had no idea how I’d possibly get back there. And then it dawned on me - give me some TPN so I can get some bowel rest and some calories and let me go home while they figure out my insane gut. It took a lot of convincing and crying on my behalf, but the doctors went from having no intention of doing it, to signing off on it. It seems like a ridiculous fight just to return to classes, but if that’s what it takes, then that’s what it takes and I’m proud of myself for fighting for it.

Recovery is not my strength. I fight against it, wish it away, struggle with it constantly, and here I am about to wriggle through it once more. But I can only do my best, even if my best is less than ideal, but oh well.

The very hardest thing this past week has been not being able to go to Congress - the CCFC’s national conference. It is my favorite time of year, the most amazing and inspiring and empowering weekend and I cried many times over knowing that I wouldn’t be able to attend it this year. Yes, there’s always next year, but it doesn’t soften the blow for me right now. I hope everyone is having so much fun at Congress and taking lots of pictures for me to look through later on Facebook! 

So here I go again, deep breath, heart pounding, out to try again and make it this time.


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