Friday, October 7, 2011
I was SO close - but no cigar. And when I say ‘so close’, I really mean it; I was out of the hospital, amongst the living, eating, sleeping in my own bed. But such things can apparently only last so long.
I woke up yesterday morning in severe pain and nausea and a barely full ostomy bag. My Mom, who had flown in to transfer me from the hospital to college life, was asleep on the air mattress on my dorm floor as I sat up and cried and knew that something bad was happening again. I got upset, emailed my doctor, then headed to my 8 AM class to distract myself and not to miss another class, came back to my room, and packed up to come back to the hospital.
As I was walking back from my class, my belly swirling in discontent and my PICC line and ostomy hidden beneath my clothing, I tried to keep myself from bawling on the street. I just want to be able to go to classes and get my degree and have my life, I don’t want to go to parties or college things like that, I just want to sit in a classroom without having an obstruction. Apparently it’s a whole lot to ask of my life at the moment. I don’t think there’s something to understand, asking ‘why’ is more painful because there are no answers that can soothe or satisfy me.
As irony would have it, they’ve shipped me back to my old floor and my old room. The nurses looked at me with sad smiles and melancholy welcome back’s, I asked them if they’d missed me. One nurse came in and said, “Did you ever leave?”
I have spent more time in the hospital this semester than in a classroom by far, have become an expert hospital packer (packed in under ten minutes for the hospital thank you very much), and know virtually every nurse on the floor. I have to believe that I will get my day (at least) in the classroom, come hell or high water I will stay in my classes and have my life. As of late my disease feels relentless and unfair and overwhelming and ridiculous. But one day it will feel a little better, even if it’s a fleeting moment, and I will be really close to having what I want.