Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Frustrated and Fatigued - Looking for a Gutsy Feature

It has been interesting the past long while. I'd love to say its only been a few weeks, but the truth is I've felt this way all my life: tired, fatigued, 'not well' . I was debating with myself for a while about writing this blog because I wanted to offer something positive to the gutsy readers... I want to try and show my best... I wanted to push myself with goals this New Year to inspire.... but... the truth is that I haven't been feeling the best. I don't have the energy to work out... which, bothers me a lot. Im a personal trainer and my boyfriend is one too.... I love to work out... and I have been able to do a bit of weight training... and walking... but nothing like Im used to... and nothing like what I need to do to train for my goals: the Ride to Conquer Cancer and the Death Race... which my boyfriend and I wanted to do together. I've expressed my frustrations to a good friend of mine. She inspires me a lot. She is in school away from home and her parents and dealing with her own IBD challenges. She has been through much more than I have and she still has a spark for life. She is determined to help others, and although she doesn't think so: I think she is absolutely amazing and that she is helping people everyday with her giving spirit. Her name is Jennie. Jennie has helped me find energy the past few weeks where I didn't think there was any. I been feeling very fatigued, dizzy, weak, lethargic since January. I push myself to go to work because I need the money to support myself, even though I am exhausted most of these days and have to really push myself through. I don't have the energy to workout and train like I am used to and this makes me feel very weak. I have had to put my part-time schooling on hold because i don't have the energy to get through classes, and this makes me feel... I don't know exactly what it is that I feel, but it doesn't feel good. Missing out, perhaps? I do not know what the future has in store for me, and this scares me. I;ve recently learned how BIG my need for security is. My fears about the future are so profound and debilitating: having a job to support myself and pay for my expensive medications, to live a normal life, to have enough energy and support to do 'the small things' like cleaning and cooking, to get married, to have (healthy) kids and to be strong and courageous enough to get through flareups on my own (without my parents). I am going to be 25 years old this July and these fears make me feel sick and nauseous sometimes. I try to be as strong as I can be, but why is it so hard sometimes? I try to be as happy as I can be, and then I am reminded of the 'realities' of the future. Its scary. How does one do it? How can I do it? Can someone show me the way... and show others with IBD the way. I would be honoured to share someone's success story on our Gutsy blog that has made it past their early 20s. Please send me a story with permission to share it on our public blog: Hugs, Ashley

No comments:

Post a Comment