Calm Down

The other day, I met with a professor about a research project proposal I am submitting for next semester. I have been working on it - with him - for the past few weeks and the deadline is next week. I met with him bright and early, my cheeks flush from the chilly weather and a raspberry tea secured in my hand. He smiled at me and we both sat down.

“Jennie,” he said, “you are very energetic and hardworking and smart,” he paused, “but you have to calm down.” My smile widened as he cleared his throat. He continued to explain my eagerness needed to be tamed, that the application would get in on time and that I had time to breathe.

I didn’t interrupt him, or correct him, though I could have. It wasn’t really about not being calm, it was about finally having the time and the health to do the project. If anything, I was finally calm because I could look at a calendar and not have to plan in flare ups and hospitalizations, surprising to me (but probably not to the non-IBD community) there is a lot of time to get things done.

Maybe it’s because it’s December now, which means an impending holiday break and a prodigal return home, or maybe it’s because it’s been over 16 weeks since my slicing and dicing. Or maybe it’s just because. Whatever the reason, I have had many flashbacks to my summer and all of the things that happened. First there was the little babies that I looked after, then a scope, then hospitalizations and needles and TPN and tubes and roomies, and Boston, and more tubes and needles, and surgery, and recovery. My biggest frustration throughout the summer was being unable to be productive. I hated sitting in my bed watching television for hours and hours on end, I wanted to be doing things in the real world and to be contributing to it.

So now that I am back on my feet, I don’t want to stop doing things. It is fulfilling and exciting to be able to rely on my body for once. My professor has a point - you have to be calm to see clearly and think clearly. But... maybe calm chaos isn’t so bad.

Take a deep breath, and get excited - you have the whole world waiting for you.

Jennie