Sunday, November 6, 2011

The never-ending battle to justify

I hate that this disease is so invisible.  I hate that on the outside I look like a healthy, happy, well-adjusted girl, while on the inside my body is fighting the battle of its life, both physically and emotionally.   Well really I guess I just hate this disease.  

They say that stress really exacerbate IBD and I can now say that I agree completely.  I hate that I feel the need to explain the way my pain feels and describe my complete and utter exhaustion right down to the nitty gritty in order for people to even briefly understand, or act like/pretend that they do.  I hate that I feel guilty for not having my usual pep and excitement.  I feel bad for needing to sleep or cry and not being up to my usual energy levels. I am a fun loving, well rounded, happy girl, with many friends ( some say too many) but find that when I am not well or when too many things are going on in my life, I feel ALONE, and I want alone. 

I am a student teacher and so excited about a career teaching students and forming the foundation of knowledge they will use for the rest of their lives.  I am proud of this career choice,  and the steps I am have taken and hurdles I have jumped to get myself here but the thought of getting up and spending  another day in a classroom is terrifying to me right now. The idea of 5 more weeks (23 more days including days off to see specialists) of practicum is so overwhelming to me when I am so unwell and utterly and completely exhausted to the point of tears.  

I know I can do this, I know I am strong enough and I have the support, but sometimes this disease is a sneaky reminder of how delicate and wonderful the good times are.   I know tomorrow is a new day and I know to take each week one day at a time, one hour at a time, even one moment at a time, but I, like Jennie, am a planner.  I hate that this disease gets control so I am going to try my very best to take that back.  I can try to fake a smile and put one foot in front of the next.  As hard as things seem right now, this will be my only salvation.  So this is what I am going to have to do.  I need to trust that it doesn’t matter if people understand, what matters is that I keep on fighting.  This disease will not shatter my dreams. Try as it might I can not and will not let it hold me back… but I can still hate it!


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